Hi-ya! Karate chop! Secret identity. Secret microfilm. Secret operation. Secret secret. Gratuitous bra shot. The end. That is one way of describing the third season of J.J. Abrams' unexpected, suspenseful and just downright fun spy show otherwise known as Alias. Another would be to say that this highly-stylized, prime-time drama is one of the best things on T.V. that you aren't watching, that is, of course, until they whored themselves as the lead-in to the over-rated Lost, and now fans of the show are growing in numbbers.) If you've read my obsessively intense reviews of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you know that I have a soft spot for intricate tales of good vs. evil and the butt-kicking, fashionable gals who fight the bad guys. I would go so far as to say that shows like Alias owe a debt of gratitude to Buffy for revealing this audience. Of course, Alias is no Buffy. But I digress. However outlandish, unrealistic and just plain implausible each week's scenarios seem to get, it makes you want to watch. Suspenseful drama, high production value and killer MTV-like montages are just a few of the things that keep me coming back for more.

Alias is the story of hottie CIA-agent, Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner). Unfortunately, it would take a slide rule and a very detailed Power Point presentation to in any way sum up the first two seasons. Suffice it to say that Sydney is constantly fighting some ultra-evil organization that's hell-bent on world domination. She does this by going on many clandestine, life-threatening missions and wearing various wigs. Apparently, the wigs are key to stopping the new, evil world order. The accents help too. Her dad, Jack (Victor Garber), with whom she has a strained relationship, works with her and saves her from certain death on more than one occasion. (Unfortunately, the fabulous Lena Olin, who played Sydney's double-agent-Russian-spy-thought-to-be-dead mother, Irina Derevko, does not return this season.) Then there is the gorgeous but otherwise uninteresting Michael Vaughn (Michael Vartan), her former true love and trusted CIA partner. The wise and stoic Dixon (Carl Lumbly) now runs the show at the CIA, and Marshall (Kevin Weisman) makes all the funky spy gadgets. Arvin Sloane (Ron Rifkin)-the consummate gray character-seems to be playing nice after filling the role of super-villain in the previous seasons. Mr. Sark (David Anders) is the very attractive, young, British baddie and perpetual thorn in Sydney's side who seems to hook up with whatever naughty folks are the flavor of the week. He also so easily eludes Sydney's grasp that I often find myself yelling: "he's right there!" at the clueless TV screen. We can all applaud that Syd's horribly boring best friend, Francie (Merrin Dungey) is good and dead this season (though her evil body double, Alison Dorn, is not-wait, I'll get there). And the very sweet Will (Bradley Cooper)? Well, he was left for dead at the end of season two, so let's leave him be for now. I guess I am forced here to mention Vaughn's new wife, Lauren Reed (Melissa George). Other than the fact that we have to hate her, well, that's it. We hate her. She also talks like she has a mouthful of something squishy. Very annoying.

Honestly, the complexities of the show are downright ridiculous. Even my fancy seven years of higher education are no match for the insane plot twists that wait around every corner. (In fact, some critics have complained that the elaborately woven story-lines sometimes get a bit out of hand.) It would not be an exaggeration to say that Sydney may be sent off to risk her life to find a key that opens a box that's hidden in a vault that contains a manuscript that reveals a map that leads to a serum that reveals a secret . . . well, you get the gist. Another important point about Sydney's undercover status as an agent on delicate, secret missions-she gets caught, a lot. I mean, as an undercover super-secret agent, she kind of sucks. Watching the show from week to week on television, with re-runs and movie-of-the-week interruptions, I never really caught on to the pattern. But watching the DVD gave me a bit of a new perspective. Generally, there is some catastrophic evil to be stopped, which almost always involves stealing something (like a weapon, a disc with dangerous information, or perhaps even a person). This something will invariably be hidden in an exotic locale. It seems villains out for world domination do not often stash their plans in New Jersey. So, Sydney and Vaughn must be suited up with elaborate disguises, fake identities, sunglasses that explode and lipsticks that shoot laser beams and such. Then it's off to Morocco or Berlin or Egypt to complete the mission. This will include breaking in to some super-secure facility and then getting caught. But, I guess if she didn't get caught we couldn't enjoy the beautifully choreographed fight sequence that ends with Sydney escaping within an inch of her life. The pattern often also consists of some kind of a double-cross and a killer musical montage with sexy slow-mo and emotional turmoil. All in a day's work.

A word about how the actors inhabit these characters. The acting on the show is consistently good. That being said, make no mistake about it-this is Garner's show. She stands out on the show, not just because it's written that way. She stands out on the show, well, because she's the best one on the show. Period. Victor Garber seems to have only one facial expression. Yet, he somehow makes this work for touching moments with his daughter as well as brutal death scenes. Michael Vartan, I have decided, is just so pretty that he can get away with being a jackass. After watching Alias for several hours straight, I realized that Kevin Weisman's Marshall has perfected a hesitant stammer that does tend to grate on one's nerves. But he can always be counted on for comic relief. David Anders has just enough sinister mixed in with his charm to never be boring. I'm not sure how Ron Rifkin actually pulls off some of the absurd lines that come out of his character's mouth, but he is pure delight. Merrin Dungey may be the only exception to the solid acting rule stated earlier. Her sweet Francie is a big, dull dud. (Though, I am not convinced that another actress could have saved that dead-end role.) However, her evil Allison Dorn is so over-the-top bad that it's good.

Season two left the audience with such a spectacular cliff-hanger that, at the time, I couldn't wait for the summer to end and the fall schedule to begin again (sad but true). When last we left her, Sydney had just discovered that her best friend, Francie, was actually an evil body double named Alison Dorn, who Sydney would have to fight to the death. (Alison had also just sliced up Syd's other best friend, Will, and stashed him in the bathtub.) After seemingly killing Alison, Sydney passes out from her own near-mortal wounds. Cut to the next scene, in which Sydney wakes up in Hong Kong with a mysterious abdominal scar and what has to be one heck of a headache. After she makes the standard phone call to CIA headquarters for extraction, Vaughn shows up. Now here's where it gets interesting. Apparently, Sydney is not just waking up from her recent skirmish. Somehow, two years have passed. For all this time, Sydney was believed dead since her remains were identified in her apartment after a fire on that fateful night. So, they buried her and mourned her and, it looks like, moved on with life. Oh, and Vaughn is now married. This is where season three begins. As for how to possibly describe the rest of the season without turning this into an Alias honors thesis, I have no idea. So, some of you will hate me for skimming and others of you will hate me for spoiling things. But, I shall do my best.

Okay, Sydney has just apparently lost two years of her life, and she can't seem to remember a darn thing. There is a memorial wall with her name on it, and her boyfriend is now married ("The Two"). In addition, Jack (her dad) is in prison and Dixon (her former partner) is now head of Syd's division at the CIA. Vaughn's new wife, Lauren, also works with the CIA as liaison to the National Security Committee ("Succession"). (Quick note here-in the world of Alias, the fact that Lauren is associated with the White House and the president should be our first clue that she will be evil.) Finally, Sloane somehow negotiated himself a pardon and is heading up the World Health Organization in Zurich. Sure, once the head of a secret terrorist organization masquerading as CIA operatives, now he's a big, fat humanitarian. The first several episodes of the season have Sydney going on her trademark ass-kicking missions, breaking into bunkers, stealing missile plans, saving captured CIA agents, finding severed heads and infiltrating a gang of high-powered, criminal mercenaries. Your standard stuff. What makes these mundane tasks particularly fascinating is that through all of this, the audience is trying to figure out-along with Sydney-what the hell happened to the last two years of her life. We do get a few clues in these early episodes. There's the sexy killer-for-hire who greets Sydney as "Julia," with a slobbery smooch ("A Missing Link"). There's the sinister torture chamber doctor who, just before his death, tells Sydney that she was his "favorite" because "you never broke" ("Succession"). And there's the video surveillance tape of Sydney in a blond wig slicing the throat of a Russian diplomat named Lazaray ("Reunion"). Now since the CIA might frown upon this whole murder thing, Jack has to work his magic to keep this harmful information a secret. Apparently, Sydney was quite the busy bee during her lost years.

This season's arch-enemy also soon makes its presence known. "The Covenant" includes an affiliation of former KGB agents who I guess are out to kill a bunch of people, steal high-tech weapons and maybe become super-rich. I am a bit fuzzy on their mission statement. Shockingly, the Covenant wants the CIA to release Mr. Sark who was captured last season ("Succession"). And before you can say "bad idea," Sydney and the gang are planning to trade Sark for an American agent that the Covenant has captured. But it's always more fun when Sark is on the loose, so I am not complaining about how silly of a development this is. His first order of business upon release from CIA custody is to kidnap Arvin Sloane ("Repercussions"). Then abracadabra, Sloane is somehow a double agent pretending to work for the Covenant but actually working for the CIA. Who is he kidding? He's got his own agenda; it just hasn't revealed itself yet. It's about this time that we finally get a real clue in the Sydney mystery-the Covenant wants her alive because they need some information locked away in her memory ("Prelude"). Unfortunately, they are going to have to get in line because there is an even greater, more terrifying power that needs to pick at Sydney's brain-the United States government. Once Syd is revealed as Lazaray's killer (thank you, Mr. Sark), the Feds snatch her up and put the hurt on her to decipher some code ("Breaking Point"). But it isn't long before Syd's CIA pals band together to buck the system, risk their lives and bust out our gal. Got it so far? (And trust me, I'm leaving out the confusing details).

It's about this time that season three really starts to pick up. Once Sydney begins to unravel the mystery of her selective amnesia, the audience gets to enjoy some sublime dramatic tension that makes this show worth watching. While Jack and the gang try to figure out how to frame the Covenant for breaking his daughter out of federal custody, Sydney visits a peculiar doctor to try and recover her memory ("Conscious"). A few spectacular lucid dream sequences later and Syd's unconscious leads her back to her old pal, Will-who fortunately survived the bathtub massacre last season ("Remnants"). Now, how pulling Will out of witness protection and dressing up like British rock stars leads Sydney to some magic box that she stored during her lost two years, I have no idea. While I will not tell you how Sydney lost her memory for those years (quite unexpected), or exactly what she was doing during that time (quite interesting), I will tell you what the Covenant plans to do with that mysterious box she recovered. If I haven't lost you yet, hang on, cuz it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

I need to backtrack just a bit for those not versed in Alias speak. There is a certain looming presence that has consistently driven the plot over the course of the series. To make a long, confusing story very short-Milo Rambaldi is some long-dead, genius prophet type who buried all sorts of toy surprises around the world for future generations of followers to piece together. Sloane is one of his most obsessive cultists. So, you wanna know what this has to do with the box Sydney found? You wanna know what's in the box? It's Milo freakin' Rambaldi. Well, his DNA, anyway. Remember that scar on Syd's abdomen that she woke up with back at the start of the Season? If you don't see where I am going with this, I think you need a time out. Believing that Syd is the holy "Chosen One," the Covenant fanatics are going to fertilize her eggs and resurrect some kind of next generation Rambadli ("Full Disclosure"). Eeeew. Fortunately, a few blow torches later, Sydney puts the kibosh on that little plan.

The last few major developments of the season include the uncovering of a Covenant mole within the CIA and the shocking revelation of Sydney's half-sister. There is a run of great episodes as these secrets start to unravel. In "Crossings," Vaughn and Sydney are trapped behind enemy lines only to face a firing squad. It's always fun to see the lengths that Jack will go to in order to protect his daughter, and the guest appearance of Isabella Rosellini as Sydney's long lost maternal aunt is just an added bonus. Fearing death, Syd and Vaughn also get to share a last-chance kiss that was long-overdue. The intricacies of "Façade" are far too involved to try and explain. Let's just say, bomb go boom unless a million exhausting pieces fall perfectly into place. Lots of good clean fun there. "Taken" involves the uncovering of yet another ancient Rambaldi artifact (another magic box, in fact). And, not surprisingly, this box in the wrong hands will endanger Sydney's life. In "Blowback," we get to experience the same episode from two different perspectives-one through the eyes of Sydney and Vaughn and the other from the perspective of the double-agent who eludes them. For my money, I have to say that the period of time when the audience knows the identity of the mole but the characters do not makes up some of the best moments of the season. I want to tell you soooo bad who the mole is, but I will refrain. Let's just say, this is not a nice person. I think framing their own father and then killing him is actually one of the nicer things this little weasel does in carrying out the dirty work of the Covenant ("The Frame"). I am not sure I took a breath during the episode in which these dingbats finally figure out who's been pulling the double-cross ("Unveiled").

But, it's the long-lost sister storyline that kind of left me cold. The product of an extra-marital affair between Sydney's mother and Arvin Sloane, Nadia (Mia Maestro) also coincidentally happens to be an agent for her home country's government ("Blood Ties"). Apparently, it runs in the family. More importantly, she seems to be some precious, missing-link of the Rambaldi prophecies known as the "Passenger," so everybody wants a piece of her. If I tell you that Sloane kidnaps her and injects her with a green goopy potion that puts her in a trance-like state, takes over her motor functions and forces her hand to uncontrollably write out Rambaldi secrets-would you believe me? And that's the simple version of that story ("Legacy"). Unfortunately, Nadia also has a legacy within Rambaldi folklore which foretells that she will fight her sister to the death. The finale ("Resurrection") is actually sort of a letdown. We all know that the mole must meet their fateful end, Sark will be captured (only, I'm sure to escape sometime soon), some other double-crosser will surface, and then there will be the necessary cliffhanger. Stay tuned.

As I look back over my little dissertation here, I am not convinced that the most important point has come through-I love this show. It's one of the few shows that I look forward to with (pathetic) excitement. Don't let the sometimes overly-complicated plot lines keep you away. (Though it's not a bad idea to watch with a friend who can catch the fine details that you might otherwise miss.) I guess I am on the eternal quest to figure out what makes a good show, or more precisely, what makes me want to watch. I myself am not as fascinated by the study of forensic criminology as the rest of the country seems to be. I also no longer really care who survives tribal council, or the boardroom for that matter. I am concerned with neither Law nor Order, and sadly, even the latest patient to visit the ER cannot seem to hold my attention. But for whatever reason, I remain interested in what Sydney Bristow is up to and how she will save the world this week. Give her a chance. At the very least, she might just save your Wednesday night.